What if my friend is the abuser?

It might be odd to consider helping a friend who is abusing their dating partner. Abusive friends will probably never tell you that they’re abusing their dating partner, but there are warning signs:

What if I don’t help my friend?

It’s important to assist these friends because there are legal consequences for being abusive. You don’t want to see your friends in jail, expelled, or have their reputation forever tarnished. As well, we want to put an end to the controlling and hurtful behaviors they’re displaying. Here’s some tips on how to talk to someone who is being abusive:

·      Tell them that abuse is never okay and affects everyone in their life

·      Help your friend take responsibility for their actions

·      Remind them it’s never okay to use jealousy, anger or insecurity to control others

·      Explain that there’s no excuse for being abusive: blaming the abuse on stress, childhood upbringing, or drugs / alcohol is not okay

·      Explain that there are legal consequences and they could lose the people they care about

·      Tell them that with support they can change their behavior

·      Discuss healthy traits in a relationship

·      Suggest help and resources

In some cases, a friend may be reluctant to change their behavior. They may insist there’s no problem, minimize the effects of their control, or even blame the abuse on their partner. Some people, when called out for abuse, equate that friend’s concern as desire for their dating partner, which could make them angry. In some cases, it can be safer to call out the abuse when joined by a group of friends or peers. This decreases the likelihood of a violent response, and shows that the abuse has become common knowledge.

If ever you fear that an abusive friend could retaliate against you or their dating partner, be sure to have a safety plan in place. This could be phone numbers or links to resources, or even a restraining order. Plan wisely, and find a place and time that’s safe and public.

·      Shares explicit or nude photos to friends / online without the consent of their dating partner

·      Talks in a condescending way about their dating partner

·      Brags about harming, controlling, or hurting their dating partner

·      Adheres to strict gender roles

·      Believes they have the right to make all the decisions in their dating relationship

·      Minimizes the fact that they isolate their partner from family, friends, and social media

·      Stalks their partner’s whereabouts through social media, cellphone, and in person

·      Sends threatening texts, comments, DMs or voice mails

·      Has a history of being abusive or abused

·      Has very demeaning beliefs about women or men

·      Is prone to breaking objects when enraged

·      Forces partner to use drugs or alcohol

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